Why I No Longer Value Winning Arguments
For a long time, I thought being a good communicator meant having the right words ready.
Clear logic.
Strong points.
A calm, persuasive delivery.
And sometimes, that worked.
But over time, I noticed a pattern I didn’t love.
I could “win” in a conversation…and still feel like something was lost afterward.
The energy shifted.
The openness closed.
The next conversation never quite happened.
That’s when I realized something uncomfortable:
Winning the moment was often costing me what mattered most.
What Changed My Thinking
Recently, I listened to the audiobook of The Next Conversation by Jefferson Fisher.
I’m not sharing this as a recommendation list or a book summary. I share it because it landed at the right moment for me.
One of Fisher’s central ideas is simple, sharp, and a little uncomfortable.
Never win an argument at the expense of the next conversation.
That line stuck with me.
Because being a good communicator isn’t something I’ve mastered.
It’s something I practice. And sometimes get wrong.
And this book gave me language for something I’ve been learning the hard way.
The Real Problem Isn’t the Words
Most conversations don’t go sideways because of bad intent.
They go sideways because of triggers.
That subtle internal flare-up when:
- You feel misunderstood
- Your expertise is challenged
- A comment hits closer to home than expected
- You thought it would land one way. It didn’t.
When that happens, the brain shifts gears. For me? It’s usually when I feel misunderstood.
I’m no longer focused on the problem or topic at hand, I’m focused on protecting myself or my idea.
And that’s when the tone tightens. Not loud or dramatic, subtly defensive.
That’s enough to change the outcome.
The Communication Move I’m Practicing
Productive communication isn’t about having the perfect response.
It’s about noticing my own reaction early enough to pause.
That pause might be: a breath, a clarifying question, or a decision to stay curious instead of correct.
It sounds small. It isn’t.
And it changes everything.
Self-aware leaders don’t avoid hard conversations.
They stay regulated enough to keep them open.
The Cost of Being Right
Leadership lives in conversation.
Not the polished ones, the real ones.
The moments where trust is built—or eroded—based on how safe it feels to stay engaged.
Every time you choose to protect the conversation:
- You preserve trust
- You invite candor
- You keep momentum moving
That’s far more valuable than being right.
💡Your Turn
The next time you feel the urge to defend or correct, pause long enough to ask one clarifying question instead.
You might be surprised what stays open.
If this resonates, hit reply! I’d love to hear about what you’re noticing in your own conversations.
To staying curious,
Laurie